The third and FINAL stage of a break-up

As my dear readers, you are well aware that I've been through a tough break-up. I shared it because (1) writing is my way of expressing and, in most cases, dealing with things I'm not good at talking about, and (2) I thought I'd share the ups and downs in the hope to help someone else out there. As I explained to you before, there are 3 stages in a break-up, apparently.

The first stage is all about denial. You believe things will get better and you hang on to any little string of hope to reconcile. The worst part is moving out of your comfort zone and adjusting to the major change. Everything is still unrealistic, until you reach the second stage. Everything sinks in and you go on this major, really really crap, emotional rollercoaster ride filled with heartbreak, anger, regret, depression and more heartbreak. Does it get worse? Yes, because you're stuck in this stage for a couple of months and nothing that anybody tells you, will make you feel better. You don't want a shoulder or advice. You want a solution. I've just been through it all and when things got really bad, I numbed it with alcohol. People say this doesn't work, well, it worked for me.

Today I can finally look back at these stages and at the relationship, and I can really accept it's over. The tears, the suffering, the fights, the pain and the uncertainty is over. After all, the final stage of a break-up is all about acceptance and moving on. Even though I hate single life, I can finally do things for myself. I can finally embrace my impulsive side! I've fetched the last of my stuff from the ex, I've learnt valuable life lessons, I've said my goodbyes, I've got a plan in motion, I'm doing things young people are supposed to be doing, I'm discovering myself again and I'm claiming back my independence. None of this was easy, but it was worth it.

The best part of this stage? I have a chance at love again. A fresh beginning with someone else. Which is exactly what I'm doing. Yes, it's only been a couple of months and everything is still raw. Some people have even told me that it's too soon to start dating again. Truth is, there are no rules. The heart knows what it wants. Besides, all of us deserve to be happy. And I finally am.

Always remember, whatever you face in life and whatever challenges you have, time does heal all wounds. What ever is meant to happen, will. You will feel super down and you will feel like your world has fallen apart. Trust me, it changes when someone else comes along and sweeps you off your feet. It happened to me when I least expected it, so it will happen to you. Then we will never look back.

J

(Image found here)

It's Friday and I...

... have decided that Lola Ponce (the Argentinean singer) is my new inspiriation to get my ass in gym everyday. I want a body like that! Spill it girl. What is your secret?
... have no special plans for the weekend (yes, again), but I have another upcoming celebrity event. Watch this space!
... didn't realise that stage 2 of a break-up lasts this long. Sigh.
... did karaoke last night with a friend. As you know, I can't say no to karaoke! At all.
... received a great response to my giveaway. If you haven't entered yet, please do!
... don't understand the weather in Cape Town. Another dark, cold, windy day. Bleh.
... am itching to dye my hair dark again with bangs and all. I feel like a change!
... haven't been pole dancing in a while, but I'm not looking forward to the aftermath. Stifness!
... saw the most beautiful skinny jeans and nude gladiators at Guess. I didn't even want to look at the price tag.
... am looking forward to our girls weekend. It's around the corner! Trip planned, house booked, six girls on board, bikini shopping planned and two extra days off from work. Enough said.
... have finally won something! A DKNY Be Delicious mini coffret set from Fairlady magazine. Lucky me, but I'd prefer to win some cash.

What fun things are y'all up to this weekend? Whatever you get up to, enjoy it and keep safe!
Happy Friday! Finally.

J

I'm young, single and I LOVE to mingle!

As I'm approaching the end of Stage 2, I'm starting to get over the whole break-up and heart-break and decided it was time I go out and let my hair down. Which is exactly what I did this last couple of days.

Allow me to share some party pics with you. Some sober. Some completely, er, not.

Pouting. Blame it on the a-a-alcohol.

Girls' nights really cheer me up!

More girls. More pouting. Hey, is that some gay-action in the background?

Pictured here with an old school friend of mine, Johlene.

Hanging out with my sister

The little black dress - essential in every girl's cupboard!

Me with my sister again.

Who knew that girls could have so much fun in the bathroom...

Here with two of my best friends, Esme (left) & Kellly (middle)

I have come to the conclusion that partying is great therapy, so I shall go for this therapy from now on. Regularly. If you've just come out of a relationship and are really struggling to deal with it all, get your ass out of the house and go out. Party, dance, dress-up, catch-up and mingle. It worked for me.

Jemma

(Images: writer's own)

Dealing with a break-up and entering stage 2

There I was thinking that dealing with, and getting over, the whole break-up would take months, but it seems that I have, prematurely, found myself in stage 2. This stage is much worse than stage 1, because in stage 1 you do live in denial. Right now I am absolutely heartbroken and regret is the keyword here. Regret is what stage 2 is all about. Though, I will never regret wanting to put myself, my dreams, my goals, my ambitions and my future plans first, I do regret that I didn't try harder to bring balance into my life and into my then-relationship. We all make mistakes and I often only learn the hard way.

Being by myself for a bit really helps to clear my head. Believe me, when you're newly-single it's like your fast pace moving world, which once seemed perfect, was suddenly halted to a standstill. Dead still. Now you have time to breathe and to just take everything in. It's in this stage when the break-up and heartbreak becomes reality, and when trying to distract yourself with parties and projects, no longer work. Again, this stage is different from men to women, because we want him back at any cost and we're willing to work everything out. We're mature in the sense of forgiving and forgetting. There are exceptions, though, when the other partner have cheated. Then, under no circumstances, are they to be forgiven or taken back. OK, maybe forgive, but never to forget!

Men, men are complex creatures. To them it's over, because the egos have been bruised. And boy, let's not go there. I'm sure their hearts are also broken, but they don't show it like we do. Friends always ask me, do I still have feelings? Yes, very strong. Do I miss him? A lot. Do I want him back? I'll do anything. How am I going to do it? I don't know. Time sure holds all the answers, but my empty arms will always reach out to him.

In stage 2 you go on an emotional rollercoaster ride and, trust me, it's the ride of your life. The one moment you are depressed, cry and sms your ex, like, a million times. The next moment you hate and blame him for putting you through all of this heartbreak. Then, you are determined to move on with your life. Before you know it, you are back to wanting him back in your life! Loads of ups and downs and you have no control.

Just like stage 1, stage 2 has pros and cons. Pro: you claim back your independence, you learn how to have fun again, you reconnect friendships that were neglected during (or maybe because of) your relationship, you get to discover who YOU are again and, hey, all the stress makes you lose weight, which is never a bad thing! Cons: starting over, realising it's really over when you have to go pack the last of your stuff, you start losing contact with the ex, there are loads of uncertainty about reconciling, and friends who you met during your relationship might choose sides. People, it's never a good idea to interfere when a couple, no matter how close friends you are, fight or go through a break-up. The interference will only make things worse! If you want to be there for a friend who is going through a really tough break-up, and break-ups are never easy, just be there for support. Be the shoulder to cry on. At the end of the day, chances are they'll sort out their differences and where will that leave you?

Stage 2 is tough because, while you were in stage 1, you never had a plan going forward. You never adapted to your new surroundings or routine, because there was always the HOPE of getting back together. Now, you are forced to deal with things and get a plan in motion. One of two things will happen in stage 2 in order to determine how stage 3 will play out. You will either: rekindle the romance by talking everything out and ensuring there are no future obstacles. Then you will be together for good! Or, you will fetch the last of your clothes, start looking for a place of your own, move on and somewhere along the line you'll meet the one.

Break-ups are a test of character. So, do a lot of thinking in stage 2 and make sure you know what you want in life. Determine your own happy ending!

Keep well my lovelies.

So he didn't put a ring on it. That doesn't mean he didn't like it.

I thought it's time for me to blog about something a little more personal. If you follow my tweets, you would probably have noticed that I'm newly-single. Today I thought I'd share the ups and downs of single life and things I wished someone could've shared with me. Just like my emotions right now, this post is probably going to be really perplexed and bewildered.


How and why we broke up, isn't important. It ended on good terms and I walked away with loads of lessons and memories. But let me tell you, if you're in a relationship that is just not working, let it go! Yes, you will, just like me, end up being ten times more miserable, but time (apparently) heals all wounds.

Single life sounds so glamorous and like it could be filled with wild, drunken nights. You can be who you want, be with who you want and do just what ever the fuck you want. Yes, single life equals freedom, something I thought I really wanted. The future looked so bright. Boy, was I wrong, because before you get to the fun part of actually experiencing the true meaning of singlehood, there are a lot of shit to deal with. My journey thus far can only be described as 'one huge adjustment'. Starting over isn't for sissies, I'll have you know.

I've been told that, after a break-up, one goes through three stages. Grieving. Regret. Moving on. Stage 1 is where you fight about who gets what (if you have lived together and it could turn ugly); you try to go out to just distract yourself; you move out and you start over. If you're a girl, you suddenly realise how much of your independence has been taken away. Before I met my (ex) boyfriend, I lived on my own and had my own car. It wasn't the biggest flat and my car was an ancient Beetle, but it was mine. Now I walk out of this relationship with zero. After 6 years I'm back to living with my parents and I am looking for a car, because as Murphy's Law would have it, the car I'm driving is in my boyfriend's name. Stage 1 you're still numb about the whole thing and you're so distracted by just adjusting to your new environment and routine, that you don't actually deal with your broken heart. You go to work in the week and do the usual thing, but it's the weekends that are tough. You wonder where your ex is, whether he's ok or who he is partying with. You drive yourself crazy with questions. Whether you have initiated the break-up or not, you fear the day he will actually move on to someone else. Once you've moved out, you start missing materialistic things like (in my case) a walk-in wardrobe, a big room, a big kitchen, the spacious bathrooms and the privacy! It sounds shallow but it's the honest truth. There is an upside to living with your parents. For starters, you don't need to clean the whole house, you don't have to cook, someone does your laundry with love and you don't pay rent. It's also great having a support team around you, because if I had to be alone right now, I probably would've gone into depression. Thus far I've been really strong, but when I get to stage 2, it will all sink in and then the shit will hit the emotional fan. Do note: stage 1 is different for men than to women, because where we would cry and deal with our emotions, men would just avoid it. And avoid you.

I don't know what stage 2 or 3 is like, but when I get there, I'll let you know. One thing is for sure, I don't believe the break-up is final, but I've also been told that 'denial' is part of the first stage. So go figure.

A lesson I have learnt is, relationships require a lot of work, from both parties. If you're not willing to work everyday, do things that keep the romance and spark alive, respect each other, put each other first and compromise, it might be time for a serious chat. Both of you need to have the same goals for the future, so that you can achieve it together (meaning, marriage and children). Another important lesson, always have money saved up somewhere because that rainy day will come and it comes like a storm out of no where.

I'm a strong girl and I will survive! I've got exciting things in my life that I can focus on (like getting my own wheels in my name, an opportunity for me to start saving up and focus on my goals for a change). Men aren't everything, but yes, it's awful going to bed alone. That's when it hits you.

Jemma
xxx