The unwritten rules of a Gym!

Ok peeps, if you belong to a gym, or rather, if you actually go to gym, these are the unwritten rules to adhere to. It’s the small things that will make my 2-hour session less stressful.

1. When you go up or down the stairs, it pretty much works like traffic. Keep left, pass right. If you decide that, for some outlandish reason much to my provocation, to walk in the middle, you will be causing a major pile-up. Remember, we’re there to destress and we can’t start off on the wrong foot.

2. It’s really uncool just plain effing inconsiderate to leave your sweat towel on gym equipment while using a different machine. You can’t ‘book’ a machine. Finish up where you are and then join the queue for the next machine. I refer back to rule #1: never cause a pile-up.

3. By the time I get to gym, I’ve had a really long day and I’m way pass the point of starving, so it’s not only breaking the rules, but also very cruel for Kauai staff to bake blueberry muffins! I can’t run on a treadmill, concentrating on my exercise, when all I can think of are those muffins in the oven. No delicious aromas of muffins, toast or fresh coffee may linger near me.

4. Not everybody is blessed with a hot body that hardly requires any effort or diet (I’m not one of those), so if you are, don’t rub it in my face. Gawd, don’t wear push-up sports bras (they don’t even exist, so just remove that padding, darling) or hot pants to gym. Apart from it being slutty and totally inappropriate for gym, it screams ‘look at me, look at my tight ass’. The rule here? Don’t wear gym ‘attire’ that has me blushing!

5. There are some real hotties at gym whose shirts cling to their ripped chests and, if you’re lucky, their sweat might allow you to see a bit more flesh. Drool, but don’t stare. There are often ex-gymnasts doing stretches that will totally dislocate me if I were to attempt. So they can split, just don’t stare. There are always those who still gym in bright 80’s aerobics-wear with headbands and legwarmers. It is entertaining, but don’t stare. I might even do some weird exercise, which has never been heard of before, and put myself in an uncomfortable squatting position. I've got a goal, so don’t stare. Please.

Let's all stick to these rules from now on, Capisce?